My fellow Americans, I was supposed to make a speech…about the economy, but something’s happened, to… to change all that.
A few days ago… I figured something out. Something about myself. I might call it an epiphany, if I really knew what that meant. I just — I just had a moment, where I saw everything clearly. So, bear with me — I’ll try to keep it short and simple, like me. (pause for laughter)
Whatever it was, whatever happened to me, changed me forever. I’ve been under a lot of stress, a lot of pressure. It’s not easy to be the worst president ever at the end of your last term. Not even my most trusted advisers show me real respect anymore. Everyone knows the game is up. It’s all over for me. I had a chance, and I blew it, big time.
This will be how I’m remembered forever, unless I do something different, right here, right now. And this is what I’m going to do: I’m going to tell the truth. For the first time. Just the truth. It’s going to set me free. Maybe some of you as well. Here it is.
I didn’t win the 2000 election. Scalia and Thomas put me in. That was all a bunch of bullcrap, using laws intended to protect the rights of minorities to — overturn the very meaning of our democracy. I knew it. Karl Rove knew it. Dick Cheney knew it. But we took it anyway. By rights, you all should be listening to Al Gore talking at the end of his second term. He’s the better man, and he won. It’d be a better world if we hadn’t put greed and a lust for power over our duty to the nation, as Americans. We did something no real American could live with. But that’s not even the half of it.
I can’t talk to you about 9/11. I don’t really know what happened. This is going to sound strange to some of you, but I’ve been staying up all night, reading blogs. I read all of ’em, from Crooks and Liars, to the Talking Point Memo — I spent a lot of time going back through the Democratic Underground. I learned a lot, let me tell you, and I know some of you think I caused 9/11, but that’s not really true. I think, from what I’ve seen, that something bad happened — some of our people were involved, and part of me knew about it, knew we’d done something to help it along. We needed it, to do what we need to do. Again, we did something no real American could live with, and used that attack to take almost a supreme power over this great nation. We brought it to its knees, and taught it tricks. and now, at long last, we’ve almost succeeded in killing off the very idea of America.
It helped that — everyone’s so hooked into the tube, and we kind of owned the tube, and so everyone saw pretty much what we wanted them to see. We succeeded because a large part of the American public has their mind trapped in a sort of cage, a cage of fear and misinformation, and we tapped in to that, and controlled it, and almost made it to that terrible place, where words don’t mean anything at all anymore. You can thank Rush Limbaugh and a couple of others for that.
I have to thank — those people, they call themselves ‘progressives’, mostly — without them, I’d a been king by now. Those funny-looking wild-eyed liberal bloggers liviing down in the basement saved us all. We should all shake their hands. American owes them for keeping its very soul safe from the hands of unscrupulous men, and I’m talking about me. Most everything they said about me and the neoconservative movement is true.
We stole the 2004 election. Karl Rove spun out this master plan with a hundred different ways of doing the deed, and it worked like a charm. Right in front of everyone. Everybody laughed at the people who spoke out about it. But they were right. Just like with almost everything else, I knew about it, but I didn’t know everything. I could feel it, though. I could feel it.
We faked up all the evidence to go after Iraq. We just wanted the oil, and the defense contract money, and I had a personal grudge on Saddaam. Most of you all bought it hook, line and sinker — except for those liberals, again. Those ‘progressives’, that we wiretapped and spied on. We called ’em ‘commies’ and ‘cowards’.
Now, I call them Americans.
I’m awake. Somthing happened, and I’ve seen the light, and I’m not going back. I’ll probably end up in prison; I belong there, along with Karl Rove and Dick Cheney, believe me. I’m going to be as honest with the judge as I’m being with you right now, and that means a lot of people are going to jail with me. And that’s a good thing, because there hasn’t been a whole lot of justice in this country for a long time.
I can imagine this is a all a big shock to every American. I can tell you this: before I get arrested, I’m going to use every bit of power I have to turn back the clock and set things right. I’m so sorry to have done what I’ve done. I can’t — fix everything. But I’m going to try.
One last thing, my fellow Americans. One last thing. I’m going to work like hell to get this bright young man Barack Obama elected. If you vote for John McCain, then you’re voting to finish the job. It’ll be the end of the United States of America, believe me. Barack’s a good man, with a good heart, and I don’t think we’ve every seen anything like him in these times. I’ll be supporting him with every last dollar and every last ounce of strength I have left. We need to elect Barack Obama as President of the United States. It won’t fix everything, but it’s a start.
If you can’t find it in your heart to vote for him, I have this to say to you: wake up.
Because I have.
Thank you, and goodnight.