OMFGHMIGTD. It’s Cookie Weekend.

byronius, December 20th, 2008 

Cookie!!!!

Cookie Weekend 2007
Cookie Weekend 2006
Cookie Weekend The Movie

Boucicaut leaped headlong into the fray, hacking and slashing and stabbing his way through a hundred Turks with a determined grin beneath his visor, muscles straining like his spirit to stay alive, a vast circle of bodies around him. The most famous combat knight of his day, having held the lists at St. Ingelbert for thirty days against all comers, known for his perfect chivalry and handsome face, now swam in a sea of raging killers, at the end fighting hundreds simultaneously, until he fell, and was captured.

Later, he was ransomed back to the French King by Bazajet. Boucicaut, in fact, survived to lead the Last Crusade in the late 1390’s.

(Bazajet. You know. The Ottoman Ultra-Sultan who hunted with six thousand huntsmen, a thousand dogs, and a thousand leopards fitted with diamond collars and silver threaded vests. Three years later, he would be captured alive by Timur (Tamerlane), he of the giant pyramids of human skulls, in a decisive victory for the Timurid Empire; Bazajet was dragged in an iron cage along the trail for months, until he died of shame. You know. That guy.)

Barbara Tuchman:

“Boucicaut was not one to be moved by prudence. At sixteen he had fought his first battle at Roosebeke where a huge Fleming, mocking his youth and small size, told him to go back to his mother’s arms. Drawing his dagger, Boucicaut had plunged it onto the man’s side with the words, “Do the children of your country play games like these?”

These are my thoughts. My characters are living in that world.

Everyone is sleeping. I intend to bake, drink wine, write a screenplay, and burn Manaroles CD’s, (now numbering three sets of 80) virtually all night long.

Perhaps I shall sally forth with further thought as the night progresses. Selah.

10 Comments »

  1. byronius wrote,

    And without futher ado:

    Kick

    JATO!!

    2008 Darwin Award Winner and Runner Up

    The Runner Up for 2008

    Employees in a west Texas warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Management evacuated the building, careful to extinguish all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. That is when the experts were called in, the gas company dispached two technicians. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Perhaps the flashlight had yet to be invented in that corner of west Texas? Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. They were correct. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, you can well guess there was a large explosion sending pieces of the warehouse as far as three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was found in fairly good shape. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ”bright”by his peers. Not strangely, this is often said of the winners of Darwin Awards.

    Now, to the winner of this year’s Darwin Award (awarded, as always,posthumously) The photo above is of an Impala similar to the one used by this award winner. This stunt has been attempted in previous years. Perhaps this year’s winner thought he could perfect it with the device he used. The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was an unidentifiable car.

    Proving again that a little knowledge is a bad thing. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow managed to get a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off),a solid fuel rocket, used to give heavy military transport planes an extra push in taking off from short airfields. They are not easy to acquire,with good reason. Driving his Chevy Impala out into the desert, he found a long, straight stretch of road, attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO for the (last) ride of his life! The best that can be determined is that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site, judging by the scorched and melted asphalt. The JATO could well have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, at which point he was just along for the ride. It is a credit to the Impala that it was still in one piece at this point. The Impala did stay on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. He then became airborne for an additional 1.4 thrilling miles, to be halted by the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable, and some debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel was found.

    Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground. There is no real moral to this story, except perhaps if your car is meant to fly, a JATO unit will be a standard option on it.

    Comment on December 21, 2008 @ 2:12 am

  2. byronius wrote,

    Dough, sweet dough. My life is in that dough. I have placed Obama Joy in that dough.

    These may be the best yet.

    Comment on December 21, 2008 @ 2:15 am

  3. byronius wrote,

    I bid you goodnight.

    Comment on December 21, 2008 @ 4:36 am

  4. Max wrote,

    Congrats on the cookie joy. Your Darwin story was timely for me. Last night Jeremy and I, returning from Carson Pass with Igloo Bob at the wheel of his all wheel drive Subaru, hit a patch of icy road and went into a terrifying swerve cycle terminating in an unplanned voyage over an embankment and into a welcoming pile of snow. Jeremy was playing a racing game on his iPod Touch at the time and was fascinated when life became even more entertaining. He noted later that the last words I spoke as we left the highway were a calm “well here we go.” Bob’s were something like “uh glug a dig do.”

    Comment on December 21, 2008 @ 10:17 am

  5. byronius wrote,

    Wow. Thrill a minute, as always, in the Life Of Mac.

    JATO’s would have propelled you over the pile and all the way safely home. Don’t you think?

    Back to baking.

    Comment on December 21, 2008 @ 1:02 pm

  6. byronius wrote,

    Murder Merchant says the JATO unit Darwin award has been debunked on Snopes.

    Damn.

    I’ll check it out.

    Comment on December 23, 2008 @ 12:23 pm

  7. byronius wrote,

    Damn. Totally fake.

    http://www.snopes.com/autos/dream/jato.asp

    Snopes has a debunk on your off-road plunge, too. “Uh glug a dig do” was actually “What the fuck did just I do?”.

    Comment on December 23, 2008 @ 3:09 pm

  8. Max wrote,

    I had my doubts. It didn’t sound right that the car would go in a straight line for that long. There was also no explanation for the mile-plus aerial segment of the journey beyond the futile application of brakes.

    It is somewhat disappointing. Maybe it’s time somebody actually tried to do this right. Need something better than a JATO though. Cruise missile maybe?

    Comment on December 24, 2008 @ 10:52 am

  9. byronius wrote,

    The Last Journey Of Mac is a more exciting story anyway.

    Comment on December 24, 2008 @ 3:20 pm

  10. New Worlds » PHMIGTDASUAF!! It’s Cookie Weekend 2009!! wrote,

    [...] Cookie Weekend 2008 Cookie Weekend 2007 Cookie Weekend 2006 Cookie Weekend The Movie [...]

    Pingback on December 19, 2009 @ 8:38 pm

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