The Ultimate Pyramid Scheme?…
The ‘Bent Pyramid’ at Sakkara, Egypt
Well, The History Channel has done it again… pissed me off to the point that I actually (and utterly futilely) yelled at my TV! If ‘Prophecies of Nostradamus’ wasn’t bad enough… or ‘Mayan Doomsday 2012′ wasn’t puerile enough nonsense… Now it’s a series of programs about ‘Ancient Aliens’ that purports to be ‘scientific’ that finally prompts me to spew my venom in the form of words. I have NOTHING against speculation, I do it all the time and enjoy others’ as well. But there is a BIG difference between speculation and hypothesis, and an even larger one between hypothesis and scientific theory…
Anyway, I’ll focus on one favourite example of ‘superhuman’ influence… PYRAMIDS:
Let’s start with the first Wonder of the ancient World: the great Egyptian pyramids. Purveyors of the ‘ancient astronaut’ idea love to point to the precision and sheer massive scale of the pyramids on the Giza plateau. Surely, mere men could not have dressed and moved 20 ton rocks and piled them atop one another without godly/extraterrestrial assistance… could they? The great pyramids are indeed impressive, even after 5000 years! They are nearly perfectly aligned to true North-South, their sides are almost perfectly equal and the Great Pyramid of Khufu (or Cheops) stands nearly 500 feet high… the tallest man-made structure in the world until the Eiffel Tower!
Had the pyramid complex at Giza appeared suddenly and without prelude, I too might be tempted to believe that something ‘supernatural’ or ‘other-worldly’ was at work. But this is emphatically NOT the case! For centuries, Egypt’s rulers were buried in simple ‘mostabahs’ (Arabic for ‘bench’), basically just big slabs of mud bricks (adobe) and later, stone. The first ‘pyramid’ was the tomb of Pharaoh Jozzer, built at Sakkara by the famous commoner/engineer (and star of countless ‘mummy’ movies) Imhotep. What he did was to build a slightly smaller mostobah ON TOP of a mostobah, and then put another one on top of THAT. The basic concept of a ‘pyramid’ had been born!
From there, Imhotep attempted the first ‘true’ pyramid, but was met with disaster when it partially collapsed in mid-construction due to an over-steep vertical angle. The project was salvaged by leaving the bottom part as it was, and completing the construction at a shallower angle. Thus we have the dramatically ‘Bent Pyramid’ (pictured above). But Mr. Imhotep was a smart guy who learned from his mistakes. So he tried yet again using the reduced angle (~51 degrees) he’d used to complete the Bent Pyramid and the third time proved indeed to be the charm. Voilá! He had created the first ‘true’ pyramid… the still beautiful Red Pyramid (see below). A masterpiece! Now the basic design was ‘set in stone’ as it were, and the great pyramids at Giza are simply scaled up versions of the Red Pyramid. Covered in limestone to ‘fill in’ the steps, these massive gleaming white constructions surely must have inspired even greater awe than they still do today.
So why go into tedious detail about how the great engineer Imhotep and his successors built the early pyramids? It is simply to illustrate that there was a clear step-wise evolution in the design and construction of these impressive monuments. One would guess that ‘alien visitors’ capable of building interstellar spacecraft would KNOW how to make a proper pyramid and would NOT have to go through such progressive refinements to finally get one right! In fact, to me, such an idea is laughable. The evidence clearly shows exactly how lowly humans learned how to build things… slowly and painfully perhaps, but indubitably ALL BY THEMSELVES. No ‘godly/alien’ assistance was required!
Another ‘proof’ of ‘alien intervention’ pointed to by believers is the fact that ‘pyramid’ type structures show up all over the world… from sub-Saharan Africa to Babylon to Asia and pre-Columbian America. Why would peoples so geographically widely separated and without intercultural contact build the same sorts of monuments? Surely (so ancient astronaut proponents say) there was a common inspiration to build structures of such similar shape?
Some images of pyramids from around the world:
Temple of Kukulkan at Chichenitzá, Mexico
The Red Pyramid at Sakkara, Egypt
Remains of pyramid at Cahokia, Illinois, USA
Pyramid (aerial view) at Xianyang, China
Pyramids in Sudan
This argument is even more easily refuted than is the one above about the Egyptian pyramids. In fact, any toddler playing with blocks can answer it… even if they couldn’t verbalise it very well. If you want to build something big, and you don’t want it to immediately fall down, and you don’t happen to have massive steel beams and reinforcing rebar handy… what shape are you going to build? Need I finish?… why a PYRAMID of course! The only stable large construction even possible before modern techniques and materials were developed.
Lastly (and I’m hesitant to even mention this one), what about so-called ‘Pyramid Power’? You know, how razor blades stay sharp and steaks stay fresh for weeks when placed under a (ooooh, it must be properly ‘aligned’) pyramid shape… As a carnivore who enjoys the occasional steak, I’ll just say that I wouldn’t TOUCH a piece of meat that had sat out for weeks (pyramids or no!) ICK! Well, this of course has been disproven hundreds of times… it ranks right up there with Uri Geller’s ‘mind-powered’ spoon bending tricks. It’s complete bunk of course, but it goes to show how very gullible we humans can be!
Why Sky, you may ask… go on about pyramids so? What’s your point? My point is THIS:
There is an insidious aspect to these so-called ‘theories’ that is too rarely pointed out. In nearly all cases, the Ancient Aliens/Gods proponents state flatly that bronze age humans simply ‘could not have’ constructed the various artifacts we see, at least not without substantial assistance from superiour beings who for some reason deigned to help or even directed the construction of these megalithic structures…
We tend to look at ancient peoples as primitive and somehow not as ‘smart’ as we are today. This is a complete fallacy. Since well before the very first towns were built, ancient peoples were completely modern Homo sapiens, with ALL of the intelligence, capabilities, idiocies and other shortcomings that we possess today. Our fancy technologies that make us feel oh so superiour have been built up slowly and painfully over many millenia with WRITING being perhaps the most important because it allowed us to store knowledge accurately and pass it into the future intact.
HUMANS conceived of and built ALL of these structures BY THEMSELVES and we should all rightfully be proud of their achievements. To believe that gods or aliens are out there ‘watching over’ us and will somehow come to our ultimate rescue is wishful thinking of the worst sort. WE must find our OWN salvation. WE must clean up our OWN messes and WE must built our OWN future!
For better or worse, we’re on our OWN kids, and I say that it’s high time we got ON with it!
Awesomely delicious rant, Sky. Hear, hear!
Comment on May 10, 2010 @ 5:43 pm
you forgot to mention the benben!!!
Comment on May 10, 2010 @ 8:07 pm
Spoken like a true alien.
I have personally travelled down into the Queen’s Chamber of the Great Alien Pyramid at Giza, and can tell you that the passage is a) dark b) dirty and c) quite crudely hewn. Up close, it’s all actually kinda primitive, except for the engineering skill, which was certainly around at the time.
Now, the Temple at Abu Simbel — !! No way! Freakishly weird. That’s not engineering though, that’s art, and we all know how frickin’ crazy they are. Probably drugs involved, though, not ExtraTerras.
Now that I have bolstered your questionable case concerning prehistoric Teabaggers doing anything right, EVER, I trust you will put me on the short list to skip the Anal Probe.
Thank you.
PS: Love those Sudanese pyramids. Damn.
Comment on May 10, 2010 @ 8:36 pm
raison detre: If I understand properly, the “benben” was the Egyptian ‘primordial mound’, what the Greeks called ‘omphalos’ or ‘naval of the world’. Some writings I’ve seen call it a pyramid instead of a mound. So it may have been an spiritual/artistic inspiration, as were the radial rays of the Sun… forming a ‘pyramid’ with the Sun/Aten at the apex. Also, sand dunes (of which Egypt has plenty) often form pyramid-like shapes quite naturally.
The fact remains however, that if you wanted to make a stand-alone structure really high, the pyramid form was the only practical way to go.
byronius: I’m envious that you’ve actually seen this stuff with your own peepers. Awesome! Abu Simdel is spectacular. Didn’t they have to cut it up and move the whole thing to higher ground when Lake Nasser was formed by the Aswan Dam?
My favorite Egyptian architectural masterpiece has to be Queen/Pharaoh Hatshepsut’s temple at Deir el-Bahri:
Much smaller than the pyramids of course, but what style! It still looks modern!
Oh yeah… don’t worry about the anal-probe thing… You were probed several years back and we already have all the data we need. Thanks BTW! ;-}
Comment on May 10, 2010 @ 10:41 pm
I’ve long held the view the original post articulates in terms of why pyramids were independently “developed” by many different cultures. To me it is no more mysterious that so many different civilizations “chose” to use wood as fuel for their fires. A bright kid playing in the dirt can work out that a mound-like shape will hold together better than most alternatives.
Yet I’ve often wondered — was there a civilization that floundered quickly because of a commitment to huge buildings that were not pyramids? Did an ancient king squander his people’s wealth attempting to build a ladder to the stars? Was the heart of a rising metropolis crushed by the runaway mishap inevitable from progressive successes at building larger and larger spheres? Was the Pantheon only the largest dome of its time because much larger (yet much shorter-lived) domes far from the Mediterranean world crushed their architects? These are mostly silly ideas, but it wouldn’t surprise me if a few obscure tribal confederations or city-states failed to rise to the next level of sophistication because their energies were squandered attempting projects that actually were unbuildable with only Stone Age technology.
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 5:01 am
I’m also a huge fan of Dier el-Bahri, and partly because of all the surrounding intrigue with the story of the great trio of Hatshepsut, her architect/vizier Senenmut, and the guy who was seething in the background the entire time- my favorite Tuthomosis III. In a nutshell; Hatshepsut was Regent for the too-young Tuthmosis and essentially seized power largely through the aid of Senenmut who may have been her lover as well as her daVinci/Galileo/wannabe Napoleon. He and she teamed up to convince the masses that the gods had ordained their ascension and carried it through to perfection.
Eventually Tuthmosis got enough disaffected military allies on his side who detested Hatshepsut’s pacifism. The coup occurred when Tuthmosis was 30 years old and he went on to become Egypt’s greatest general (forget that Ramses asshole who stole many of Tuthmosis’s vicotories as his own a couple hundred years later).
Megiddo anyone?
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 6:59 am
Oh yeah! It seems that nobody did palace intrigue quite like the Egyptians! And the Hatshepsut story is one of the best! By all accounts she was an extremely capable ruler, and her partnership with Senemut (did they or didn’t they?) was obviously a successful one…
Queen Hatshepsut
But ambitious step-sons (especially ones with armies) can be extremely problematic! The fact that her name and image were desecrated* almost everywhere tells me that Thutmose III may have had a teensy-weensy inferiourity complex… ;-}
Anyway, I admire her a great deal and isn’t it marvelous that we can discuss her and speculate about a woman who lived 3500 years ago!
Hassan D’rush is one of my fave J. Sheep songs. The sort of ‘loping’ main groove really does sound like a war chariot racing across the desert… (to me anyway). I still really like Steve’s arpeggios (arpeggi?) at the break… My part was just plain FUN! ;-} Thanks for posting it!
* in the Egyptian religion, this was serious stuff… tantamount to ‘soul-murder’.
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 8:48 am
Don’t recall if I’ve told the story of the genesis of the original version of that song which goes back quite a long time before Jupiter Sheep. It was ’85 or so when I took off from Boulder, CO for parts west. I had a crazy vision of getting work as a cross country ski instructor in Oregon- even though I knew nothing about proper form, just loved doing it. On my way I stopped to spend some time with Mister Green in Folsom, CA. While there I got even crazier, but not about skiing. My focus was Thutmose, Hatshepsut and Senenmut. I was so enthralled with their story that I wanted to write a rock opera about them (sound familiar?).
I changed plans and headed for Chandler, AZ to find Senrab and see if I could get him to collaborate. Senrab had this crazy little thing called a life, and was rather hesitant to join in with my mad vision. There was, however, another gentleman in town I thought might possibly lend a more sympathetic ear. I found Byronius hunkered down in some small apartment and surrounded by all the usual paraphernalia of byronian existence, most notably an imposing bong stuffed to the gills with that which fueled his (and my) typical existence. While Byronius labored at this device I described the story of Thutmose’s legendary assault on the Asiatic stronghold of Megiddo; how there were two well known routes to approach it from Egypt, one crossing north of a small mountain range and one south, each zealously guarded by half of Prince Durusha’s able army. Thutmose, being the only one with real vision, decided over the strenuous advice of his officers on the riskiest approach, a narrow path directly through the mountains that only a madman would consider. If Durusha was hip to the plan he could easily decimate the Egyptians as they exited the narrow pass. Durusha failed to match his nemesis’ wit, however, and Thutmose went on to an easy victory which set up his long and brilliant military carreer.
The whole time I was describing this gripping story Byronius could not have appeared less interested. I recall leaving quite stoned but hopelessly disappointed in my efforts. A few months later I ran into Byronius again back in Boulder to which we had both returned. He popped a tape in the deck and played the Baby Fae’s Heart version of Hassan d’Rush, music composed by Senrab and words- such words! by Byronius himself, brilliantly recapturing the essence of the story I had told him that day.
The words:
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 10:13 am
mmmmm… Bong! vertiginous verdant vanguard of vexing verisimilitude! mmmm…. BONG! BONG! BONG!!!
The original Baby Fae version is kinda cool… don’t think I’d ever heard it before… and must be given pride of place for precedence! But for my money I’ll still take the Sheepish version (can I get an AMEN [-hotep?] here somebody??) which rocks (gallops?) along much better and frankly sounds more ‘warlike’ in aspect… more apropos of the theme methinks… and all modesty aside, my own little quasi-pseudo-psychotic Egyptian-esque flourishes do impart a certain bizarre bazaar flavour to the festivities! ;-}
But let’s face it… it’s the WORDS that really make it go! So I bow in obeisance to his byronius-ness and beseech him to pass the damn BONG already! ;-}
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 10:50 am
I never meant to imply that your contribution failed to take the song up to stratospherically anthemic heights, as well as Steve’s great rhythm riff and Natalie’s wife of D’rush whisperings (not to mention that killer bass line- who WAS that guy?).
Still, let’s give some props to the dude who made it all possible, Thutmose the Fuckin’ Great!
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 11:06 am
Max: I honestly wasn’t fishing for compliments, but I’ll take whatever I can get (‘anthemic’ is better than ‘anemic’ any day!)… so thanks! ;-}
Oh yeah, Natalie’s hushed admonitions add an appropriate spookiness that I quite like… and yes, Max, your bass line is cool*! ;-}
But [sigh] nobody bought the damn album anyway…. [double sigh]
* the closing bass string ‘squeak’ sound reminded me of a sword being sheathed… but I’m really pushing the metaphor to its limits by now!
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 11:22 am
“the closing bass string ’squeak’ sound reminded me of a sword being sheathed…”
Wish I could say that was my intention (rather than simple sloppiness). Now I’m gonna have to give it another listen.
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 11:30 am
Hey! didn’t this post start out being something about pyramids and aliens (or lack thereof)?
You want a cool civilisation to discuss? How about the so-called Minoans on Crete (and Thera)… now THERE was an artistic high point!… and undoubtedly (in my view) the inspiration for Atlantis! [I'll put something up soon...]
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 11:34 am
RE: “the squeak”, I heard it and of course I had nothing to do with it. I believe that was our brilliant lead guitarist.
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 11:36 am
Really? Oops! So who looks sloppy NOW!? ;-}
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 11:47 am
Exquisite sloppiness, if truly that.
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 12:00 pm
My wife is a big fan of Minoan art and did her own enhanced reproduction of a classic fresco from Knossos a few years back. We just call it “The Girls”. This is the only shot I have of it (click to enlarge):
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 12:56 pm
Wonderful! Please pass along my compliments! Nice living room too! Look for a Minoan post later this eve…
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 1:37 pm
I’ll let her know, and look forward to your post.
Comment on May 11, 2010 @ 1:55 pm
[...] Worlders may (or may not) recall a post from a couple of years back that I did on the Egyptian pyramids – and how the claims of ‘ancient alien’ involvement in their construction were [...]
Pingback on November 14, 2012 @ 8:11 am
I think we’d have a much better handle on the construction of the great pyramid at Giza if they could only get the cat’s name straight! Cheops? Khufu? How about The Great Pharoah Bob? You’ve HAD 4,500 years! Make up your damn mind!
Jean Pierre Houdin, a French architect got a wild hare up his T-square and came up with a radical new approach that is looking more and more feasible. Basically, Houdin claims that the Great Pyramid was built from the inside out. Ramps aren’t a new approach, but an internal ramp certainly is. And he might just be right:
Also, by looking at evidence of the actual construction details of the humungous project, we can see that levitating 20 ton blocks with alien ‘tractor beams’ was probably NOT how it was done! Fascinating IMHO.
Comment on November 14, 2012 @ 6:02 pm